haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
