im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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