Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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