My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
