I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Randomize
