I'm pants shitting drunk right now
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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