so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
