my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Randomize
