I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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