Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
