p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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