im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Sorry about my life...
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
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