dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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