so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
she pinky promised me she was 18
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
