Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
BRING THE BAGELS
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize
