In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
