I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
ttyl tear gas
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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