don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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