I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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