I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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