Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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