wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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