The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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