i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
