your thong is hanging out like whoa
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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