Im at strip club and am horny
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
