My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
