My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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