I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
