Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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