i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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