I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
why do cheetos always look like penises
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
did i walk over a car last night?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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