Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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