Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
