you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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