I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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