My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
