Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
