i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken