i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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