Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
