We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
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