That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
