I looked at my own cervix.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
