No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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