I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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