ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
