I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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