I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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