Dude my mom stole all your condoms
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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