worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i wish my penis had a tongue
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
