There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
