She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
