FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
