you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You're like the curious george of whores
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
