Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
