a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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