So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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